Not Every Feeling Is Asking for Action
(This article is written by Center Advisory Council member Garry Haraveth)
Sitting down to write this month’s article felt like a heavy, reflective lift for me. For a long time—and, if I’m honest, still sometimes today—I allowed my feelings to guide my actions. As you might imagine, that led to more than a few missteps. Okay… a lot of them.
I’m especially prone to falling for someone simply because I’m attracted to them, and sometimes it’s the most minor things that spark it. A look. A conversation. A sense of ease. For years, it felt like my emotional dial was permanently set to 11, on a dial that only went to 10. When feelings showed up, they showed up intensely, and I often ran straight toward them, regardless of what my brain was trying to tell me.
What I’ve learned, mostly the hard way, is that not every strong feeling is asking me to act. Today, I try to meet those feelings with more curiosity than urgency. Instead of treating them as instructions to follow, I’ve learned to see them as data, information to sift through, reflect on, and understand.
That shift has been a powerful part of choosing me, and it’s one I see many LGBTQ+ folks grappling with, especially during seasons of growth, change, and becoming.
Feelings Are Information, Not Directives
We’re often taught, explicitly or implicitly, that strong feelings should be followed. If something feels exciting, magnetic, or alive, we assume we should move toward it quickly, before it fades.
Empowerment asks something different of us.
Feelings carry information. They tell us what matters, what draws us in, what lights us up. But they don’t automatically tell us what to do. Pausing to reflect on a feeling isn’t avoidance or fear; it’s discernment. It’s choosing to respond rather than react.
Becoming vs. Settled: Why This Comes Up So Often
This is especially relevant during what I think of as “becoming” seasons, those times when we’re still integrating parts of ourselves, reclaiming identity, or stepping into new ways of being. For many LGBTQ+ people, these seasons don’t follow a neat timeline. They can happen later in life, after coming out, after a significant transition, or after finally permitting ourselves to live more honestly.
In these moments, attraction often shows up not because someone is “the one,” but because they reflect something we’re growing toward. Confidence. Ease. Groundedness. Self-trust.
The feeling is real. The pull is real. But what it’s often asking for is internal growth, not immediate connection.
Inspiration Isn’t an Invitation
One of the most helpful distinctions I’ve learned is this: inspiration is not the same as invitation.
Inspiration awakens something in us. It sparks curiosity, imagination, and possibility. Invitation, on the other hand, requires mutual readiness, shared agency, and emotional availability on both sides.
When we confuse the two, we risk attaching too quickly, overlooking power imbalances, or asking a relationship to carry growth that actually belongs to us as individuals first. Growth needs space, and giving ourselves that space isn’t rejection—it’s care.
Choosing Yourself First Protects Future Connection
Choosing not to act immediately doesn’t mean choosing against the relationship. It means choosing the order in which things happen.
When we choose growth first, when we strengthen our self-trust, clarify our needs, and honor our timing, we create the conditions for healthier, more mutually beneficial relationships later. Pausing now can be an act of respect for both yourself and the other person.
This is what it looks like when Choosing Me extends beyond January and into how we relate with intention, compassion, and agency.
We’ve all heard some version of the advice to “work on yourself before getting into a relationship.” I don’t hear that as a demand for perfection or healing everything first. I hear it as an invitation to take responsibility for your becoming, so a relationship doesn’t have to do that work for you, because it rarely works that way.
In that sense, pausing isn’t about avoidance. It’s about sequencing. Growth first. Connection second. Not instead of.
Reflection Prompts
If this resonates, you might sit with one or two of these questions:
What part of me feels most alive around this feeling?
Is this energy asking me to grow inward before reaching outward?
What would choosing myself look like in this moment?
What do I want to strengthen in myself before deepening the connection?
There’s no rush to answer these perfectly. The act of asking is often enough to shift something and bring perspective from a more neutral standpoint.
My Final Thoughts
You don’t have to decide everything today. You don’t have to act on every feeling to honor it. Sometimes the most empowered choice is simply to pause, listen, and let yourself grow.
Not every feeling is asking for action.
Some are asking for growth.
And choosing growth is choosing yourself.
Garry serves on the Cortland LGBTQ Center Advisory Council. He is an educator, activist, and empowerment life coach (certified), and the founder of Gay Life Journey (gaylifejourney.com).