Addressing Shame

Mike Doughty, January ‘25 Newsletter

We are all familiar with shame and how it can make us feel small, or anxious, or guilty, or like nothing we do is good enough. Shame can cause or come from all of those feelings and more, and it’s often seen as a terrible thing, and while I don’t think shame is a fun emotion, I do think it can be a good learning point about how you are handling situations where shame might come up. I want to explore different kinds of shame, what we might be able to learn or use from that shame, and hopefully make shame a less powerful emotion so that we can learn with curiosity and growth.

First let’s talk internal shame. Shame that you feel on your own, with no outside influence. Often this shame is tied to other emotions like embarrassment or guilt because of an action you did that maybe didn’t pan out the way you thought it would. In small amounts, internal shame can just come and go like any other emotion. Maybe you’re able to laugh it off, or talk about the problem directly with no issues because it does not seem big and heavy and bad. When that shame goes into overdrive, that’s where things can start to feel like everything is too much. This can make it hard to maintain your boundaries or communicate about problems because that shame is in your head taking up too much space and you can’t figure out where it needs to go to do those other steps.

Next is external shame. This shame might feel like it comes from you, but it’s really from another person, or cultural norm that has put their ideas onto you and perhaps you have internalized that idea, or maybe you just have some kind of relationship with the person putting this shame on you so you feel you have messed something up. External shame often puts pressure on our relationships with others, either in a way to try and “do better” or as a power move if you are the one putting shame on another person to keep their behavior in check. Much like internal shame, external shame can be used to bring up issues that need to be discussed, but can easily become a sticking point and block out communication and growth.

Handling and addressing stress can feel like a big ask, especially if there already is a lot of it that is taking up space for you to think clearly or communicate freely. For internal shame, it can come down to seeing if your shame is trying to protect you from something. This might require either hindsight or foresight around a situation, but it could be a way that your mind is trying to keep you safe. If you realize what that thing is, you can then assess if you want to continue with the situation, or stand your ground and your beliefs, or bail and see if you can keep yourself safe in other ways. As you start to learn and recognize this pattern, it will become easier to notice when shame is starting to show up and you can use that sign to think “what does my mind or body feel as unsafe in this situation? What is this feeling trying to steer me away from?” It could be some part of you is scared of an outcome, or that you maybe have pushed too hard on something. Maybe you are fine with that and need to push on, maybe you need to step back and apologize or communicate differently. Use this understanding of what your shame is trying to tell you to help guide you going forward.

When it comes to external shame things can get a little trickier, since it often involves another person or group or even just a cultural trope. First, do what you can with the shame like with internalized shame, see where it is coming from and what it is looking to do. If you are finding that the shame is not coming from yourself, see who or what you feel the shame coming from. Is it someone you are close with? Is it an employer? Is it a leader in a group you are a part of? Or is it just some person on the internet or that you don’t know? Depending on what kind of relationship you have with the host of the shame, the more varied your reaction might be. In these situations the shame is more about comparing values. Are you able and comfortable with changing your values to better align with the other persons? Or are you not able to do that for any reason?

 Regardless of the answer, being able to communicate your values and boundaries will help show you what that other person values in their relationship with you. If you can’t or won’t change to what they are asking, are they willing to make accommodations for you or work to understand why you act or do things a certain way? That shows that they are putting in the effort to keep your relationship healthy and strong. If they aren’t doing those things, maybe they aren’t in a position to offer them, or maybe they don’t want to put in that effort and you can then decide how you want to manage that relationship from there.

Shame can be a useful emotion to learn from if you are able to take that step back and not get stuck in the clutter of it. Lean in, be curious, and see how you can address your shame to help you continue to grow and not be stuck.