New Year Check-In’s Part 2
Mike Doughty, January ‘24 Newsletter
Last year I talked about some ways to check in with yourself when it comes to the New Year and doing some kind of resolution. This year I want to expand on some of those ideas, introduce some new ones, and also look at ways you can use these tips to help others in your life by offering new tips/tools for them to use if you see them struggling. As always, if there is something going on in your life, reach out to the appropriate professional help if you are able, or talk to loved ones and embrace your vulnerability and let them know you need help.
Think about your relationship with yourself:
Are you in a position to be able to express yourself the way you want?
Does this affect your gender expression in anyway?
If it does, see if you can take steps to let your true self shine! Maybe start small and slowly incorporate more and more things that better match your expression, or do a big flashy show all at once to let people know you are done hiding yourself.
Look at your internalized bias and see what may be holding you back.
Do you have a stressful, or complicated relationship with things like food or makeup? Look into the “why” of that and see what actually feels good for you because YOU want it– not because someone once told you to not eat a certain food, or wear makeup a certain way.
Do you think certain articles of clothing or styles of clothes are “off limits” because of your body type? Again, look into the “why” and do some research, see if you can find a brand that makes clothes in your size and try on what you want to wear. There is no “wrong” body, just unhealthy expectations we place on ourselves and each other.
Do you have the tools and coping skills that better help you and your situation?
If you are not able to access therapy for whatever reason, there are still skills that you can learn to help you until you are able to access mental health care.
Activating your parasympathetic nervous system – if you feel that fight or flight (or fawn or freeze) response, a way to help it pass is to do some deep slow breathing to help you relax after a stressful or dangerous event has happened (if you want to know more look up the parasympathetic nervous system). A simple way to do this is to just inhale slowly and deeply through the nose longer than the following exhale through the mouth.
ii. Meditate or explore grounding yourself. If you have a lot of stress figuring out if meditation works for you, or laying on the ground (the floor, on a mat, on the grass) can help relax your mind and body. Yoga can also work here as a way to engage your body and mind at the same time.
Be open to communication, both when you need help but also when you mess up and need to do the work to fix any harm caused.
This can be hard, and feel uncomfortable. It isn’t always easy to be vulnerable and say “I need help with…” or “I’m sorry I reacted that way, this is what caused it but I can work on not directing that at you…”
Think about your relationship with others:
Are there ways you want to expand or rewrite any of those relationships?
Look at your boundaries and see who engages with those and listens and learns, who maybe needs more work, and who disregards them entirely.
Can you step away from any of those relationships safely? Can you build stronger foundations in the ones you want to keep?
Also remember to show gratitude to people in your life that are listening and growing with you! Acknowledge that you see them and appreciate what they give you, and see if there are any ways you can improve things on your end.
See where and how you can be a better ally to those in your life.
Listen to how people want to be addressed – name, pronouns, learning and listening if they don’t want to talk about things like their body or family.
Be open to correction if you mess up, and offer a simple apology. Don’t use a mistake as an excuse to dig for information they do not want to give you.
If you want to offer support to someone who isn’t being listened to, see what could help them the best – do they want to vent, do they want suggestions, or do they want a distraction?
Push back against reductive thinking that puts extra blame on yourself.
Instead of saying “I’m bad” or “I’m terrible” or any variation of that, try to speak from a place of wanting to grow. Positive actions like growth can’t come from negative emotions like shame.
Focus on using language that keeps the conversation open, even if you don’t know what to say right in the moment. “I don’t have the words right now, and my mind is being mean to me, but I do want to talk about this more” or “Thank you for holding me accountable for my behavior, this is what I was feeling/thinking” and questioning how can we use that to grow and learn from it.
I hope both the 2023 and 2024 lists can help you grow to be more aware of your relationships and how they can be modified to be healthier for yourself and others. I have used a lot of these tips myself in my own relationships, and I am lucky to have access to therapy so I can continue to learn better coping skills. Remember that no one is perfect, including yourself, and to give people some grace if you think they are struggling or lashing out. Come back to an issue once people have calmed down, or just let them know that you are here when they are ready to talk. The better we all become at learning what a healthy relationship is, the better we can all be about being active in our relationships.