They/Them & Grammar
Q: I have a friend who wants everyone to use the pronouns they, them, and theirs instead of he or she. I want to be supportive, but I’m having trouble with the grammar. Isn’t the word they supposed to refer to multiple people? Am I supposed to say “they is” since I’m talking about one person or “they are”?
A: This is a great question, and one I get asked often. The good news is, using “they” to refer to one person is more intuitive than you might think. As English speakers, we actually do it all the time, even if we don’t recognize it.
When I first started working at the Cortland LGBTQ Center, one of my fellow staff members shared an example that I think does a wonderful job illustrating how we all use the singular they in our daily lives.
Imagine you order dinner from your favorite local restaurant, and you even splurge and pay for delivery. You’re waiting at home, and the 30 minute delivery window passes. As it’s approaching an hour since you ordered, your stomach growling, you glance out the window and say:
“This is taking forever. When are they going to get here?”
You know there’s likely only one delivery driver coming to your house, but you still use “they” when referring to that one person. This is a very common way to use a singular they (and notice the use of “are” instead of “is” as well).
It can feel a little more complicated when you know the person, but the general rules remain the same. If I used they/them pronouns, talking about me might look like this:
“Sam is the Program Coordinator for the Cortland LGBTQ Center. They live locally with their spouse and pets. They are a fan of Halloween.”
For the grammar sticklers out there, a lot of the official style guides (such as APA, MLA, Chicago Style, etc.) have updated their guidance over the past few years to state that using “they” to refer to a singular person is okay, so you’re covered there, too.
It might take a little while for new pronouns to come naturally, but using the correct pronouns is a great way to show your support and care. It’s an important component of allyship.