Consent
You may know that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In light of SAAM, let’s talk about consent, especially with regards to sex.
While it’s rare to see sexual communication depicted in media, it is one of, if not *the* the most important skill a sexually-active person should have. Someone who is uncomfortable talking about sex with a partner, let alone asking for consent from a partner, is not yet ready for the responsibilities that sex entails. However, it can still be unfamiliar and awkward for many people, and so it helps to talk about it.
You may have seen this graphic or heard the saying: Consent is FRIES. What does this mean?
The FRIES acronym stands for:
Freely-Given - Consent cannot be given under coercion, threats, or manipulation of any kind. Both people feel completely free to give their consent. If someone fears possible repercussions from saying “no,” the consent is not freely given.
Reversible - Consent can be given or taken at any point. If you initially consented to something but change your mind and want to stop, that must be respected. You may also see the word “ongoing” instead, to emphasize that consent is a conversation rather than a formal agreement.
Informed - Both people are fully aware and informed about the situation and their partner’s boundaries. For instance, if both people agree to have sex with a condom, but that condom is removed or sabotaged without the other knowing, that was not informed consent. You also cannot give informed consent under the influence of substances, such as alcohol and drugs, as it impairs your judgment.
Enthusiastic - Consent is a presence of a clear yes, not the absence of a “no.” Consent should never come from a place of reluctance, resentment, or uncertainty. Think of how the enthusiasm may differ if someone found out they won $1000, versus if they agree to do the dishes.
Specific - Consent is specific to each situation. It’s not assumed. If you had sex with someone in the past, it does not automatically mean you consent to have sex with them again. If you’ve done a certain sex act in the past, it does not mean you have to do it again.
Sex is an act that requires a great deal of trust, because it also involves vulnerability and risk for each person. This means that sexual communication – the ability to communicate about sex, especially with a sexual partner - is vital. If you are ever unsure of your partner’s boundaries and comfort, ask them in a way that allows them to feel safe saying “no.”
That said, it’s still important to reflect on your feelings about sex. Many people have sex for the purposes of:
Reproduction
Pleasure
Intimacy
But there are also people who have sex because they:
Think they “should”
Want to “fit in” with peers
Fear their partner may leave them if they do not
Want to feel better about themselves
Because of the risks involved with sex, it’s worth interrogating your reasons for wanting to do it – and if there are other, safer alternatives for what you hope to gain. While compromise is common in relationships, you should not compromise on things that affect your health and safety, such as sex.
To learn more about sexual consent, RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) has more information here. RAINN also offers education, resources, and a 24/7 call and chat crisis line.