A Loved One Just Came Out
Mike Doughty, August ‘22 Newsletter
So someone close to you – a family member, friend, or even a colleague just came out to you and told you about their LGBTQ identity. This could look like many different things; they could be coming out as gay, bisexual, or perhaps they are coming out as transgender or nonbinary. As always, the first thing is to take your time with understanding!
When people come out, they are usually looking to let people in and get to know the real them, but that doesn’t mean they want it broadcasted. You should ask if it is okay to talk about their identity to other people. If they are coming out as trans or nonbinary, it’s good to ask if they are using different pronouns or even a new name. These new pronouns or this name may change over time, which is okay! Just listen to them as they grow into their identity.
It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but we also don’t want to discredit the amount of stress involved with coming out. You can thank them or say something kind about trusting you with this, especially since coming out is never a “one-time” thing - LGBTQ people have to come out to new people often, and it can be stressful and exhausting to do it repeatedly.
While common, avoid saying a comment along the lines of “We’ve known all along”. While it can be seen as supportive, this can also be seen as belittling their personal journey, especially if it was a difficult one. It’s not always easy for an LGBTQ person to realize their identity, and what may have been obvious to you could have been a major source of insecurity and trauma for them. So if someone does come out to you, just be aware that what you say may really affect them as they could be coming from an extremely personal place. Some good alternatives can just simply be:
“Thank you for telling/trusting me”
“That’s wonderful! Is there anything you need? (or if someone is coming out as transgender) – “Do you have different pronouns or a different name you want me to use?”
“Let me know if you ever need someone to confide in” (If you are comfortable doing so and have the capacity!)
Remember that being an ally is not something you are, it’s something you do!