Adjusting to Change
Q: My child recently came out as transgender (he identifies as a boy now), and while I love and support him, I can't stop thinking about the daughter I've lost. I keep telling myself to focus on the son I have now, and I'm getting better about remembering his new name, but there's still a part of me that feels really sad. It's almost like I've lost someone. How do I get over this?
A: First, thank you so much for your question. You're already off to a good start. Using your child's preferred name and new pronouns makes such a huge difference. Many trans kids (and adults) deal with unsupportive people in their lives, and respecting someone's gender is incredibly vital. It's wonderful that you've already made that shift with your son.
Please know that it's also normal to have complicated emotions about someone you love changing important things about themselves. It can be a transition for the whole family. Parents have many dreams for their children, and some of those dreams are tied to traditional gender roles, such as seeing a daughter in a wedding dress. There can be a real sense of loss when you realize those dreams are unlikely to come true, whether that's because the child you thought was a daughter is actually a son, or simply because your child doesn't see marriage as part of their future.
It's okay to be sad or hurt, but avoid adding your emotional load onto your loved one, especially if they’re a minor child. Coming out is already a very emotionally intense (and vulnerable) process, and it’s important not to create additional stress for the person transitioning. Find someone to talk to about your feelings where you can process your emotions without making your child feel responsible for your hurt or sadness. Therapy is a great option, even if you can only commit to a few sessions. The Cortland chapter of PFLAG is another great resource and a place to connect with parents and friends of LGBTQ people. You can also stop by the Center to see Sam, Mary, or Colin to learn more about the transgender community and ask some of the logistical questions you might not want to ask your child. The more support you can surround yourself with, the better you can support your son.