Allyship Within the LGBTQ Community
Mike Doughty, June ‘23 Newsletter
Most of the time when people think of allies for the LGBTQ+ community, they think of cis-het people who are outside of the community and doing the work to support and lift up the people within the community. However, even within the community we can be allies to each other and help against both external threats, but also internal threats. These internal issues could look like biphobia, transphobia, and misogyny, as well as issues involving racism and anti-fat bias to name a few. I want to use this space to not only address a few of the issues that are happening within the community but also a reminder that we are a stronger community together - when one of us is hurt, the rest of us are hurt as well.
One of the biggest focuses for LGBTQ folks right now are the anti-trans laws being proposed or passed across the entire country. Many of these laws police people’s bodies and dictate what they can and can’t participate in, or outright make erase trans people from the law. If you know trans people in your life, please check in on them, even if they aren’t in a state that is passing these laws. Trans people are just like anybody else; they want to live their lives, receive healthcare, work, and do anything else a cis person does. Allies need to stand up for their trans peers and call out bad behavior, push for more inclusive and trans-affirming laws, and take care of the people in the community who are the most marginalized. For the LGB folks that think the community is better without the T, it’s worth reminding them that the community was started by and cared for by trans people, especially trans women of color. In America, trans people were a key factor during the Stonewall Riots and the following Pride marches that occurred. During the AIDS epidemic, trans people were a huge support for LGBTQ+ folks who suddenly found themselves homeless and sick. Trans people took care of them when many others, including doctors, wouldn’t even touch a person with AIDS.
Another thing that comes up from both outside and inside the community is bi-erasure and ace-erasure. Bi (or Pan/Poly/Omni) people often have to prove their sexuality, especially if their relationship is perceived as a straight one. Bi people are also accused of being more likely to cheat on their partners because of their multi-gender attraction and are often overlooked or pushed aside in the dating pool by both LGT+ folks and straight folks. Asexual people also have similar issues where they are assumed to be broken or that they “haven’t met the right person yet” just because they have little to no sexual interest. Asexual people can have wonderful relationships with or without sex depending on their comfort with their partner and their relationship with sex, and this doesn’t mean they’re “broken”. While this doesn’t sound like things we would expect people within the LGBTQ+ community to do, there is bias in the community as well. We need to come together and remember that bisexuality is real, and people are bi no matter who they are dating or what their past relationships have looked like. Asexual people are asexual no matter their relationship to sex or to their partner. For both groups, we need to trust that people know themselves best and understand their identity. If down the line, their label changes, then we can understand that they are just learning more about themselves as we all do,
Gay men and lesbian women also have their own internal struggles, besides the issues I’ve already talked about with trans, bi, and ace folks. Many gay men fall into racist or anti-fat behaviors which can really become a double-edged sword. There is a motif of “no fats, no femmes, no [insert race]” on many dating sites for gay men which discredits the range of expression men can have and still be seen as desirable. On top of this, there are body-type comparisons within the gay community, with able-bodied, thin, muscular, white bodies being seen as the most desirable. This can greatly affect the mental health of queer men and how they view their bodies but also skew their vision of other men. Lesbian women also have similar issues, but can also have some gatekeeping around who can be a lesbian – excluding trans women, for example – which plays into misogynistic views of what qualifies someone as a woman, and much like the bi and ace-erasure, doesn’t allow us to trust that people know how they identify.
Each letter within the LGBTQ+ community has their own struggles and needs. This is heightened when we look at how race, sex, disability, body type, and age intersect with someone’s identity. The groups that want to erase LGBTQ+ folks from public life will have a much easier time if the community splinters with internal fights. While not everyone will get along with everyone else, those of us within the LGBTQ+ community need to start extending a hand and work on our compassion, and with that, our community becomes stronger and harder to erase. We have so much potential and so much good within the community — even with the bad that is mixed in — and I believe we can use it to make positive change for ALL of us, not just certain groups.