Coming Out
Q: I’m out to my parents and siblings (who are supportive), but we’re going to have extended family visiting for the holidays who don’t know that I’m gay. Based on some things they’ve said in the past, I’m nervous to tell them. What should I do?
A: Coming out, and who you come out to, is an individual process. As members of the LGBTQ community, we continually assess the pros and cons of coming out to a wide variety of people, whether family, friends, co-workers, or general community members. We weigh and measure our desire for understanding, connection, and the ability to live openly against our need for safety. Wanting a low-stress holiday season, one where your sexuality isn’t the focus of familial tension, is a valid concern.
Unfortunately, I can’t give you a definitive answer on whether you should come out to your extended family. That’s something only you can decide, but I can offer some advice if you do decide to come out.
Before I begin, please know that coming out is never required. You don’t owe anyone, including family, an explanation of your sexuality. It’s a completely valid choice to keep your identity private from people who may react poorly. Your mental and emotional wellbeing is important and worth protecting.
If you do decide to come out, it can be helpful to plan ahead. Many families have predictable conversational rhythms: that one uncle who always makes cringe-worthy gay jokes, a grandparent who complains about marriage equality at every holiday, a cousin who still says “that’s so gay” when something frustrates them. Consider your own family dynamics and make a list of what’s most likely to come up. From there, you can plan ahead and strategize with the supportive members of your family.
Can a sibling change the subject if a relative complains about an LGBTQ celebrity or politician? Could a parent step in to shut down homophobic comments so you don’t have to? If you want to tackle rude comments yourself, communicate with your allies ahead of time so they know when you need to take a break and recoup.
Having a plan won’t guarantee a smooth, stress-free holiday, but knowing what to expect and having protocols in place to deal with the most likely issues should make things a little easier. Good luck with your family, and please feel free to stop by The Center if you want help brainstorming more specific solutions.