Is It a Phase?
Q: My daughter is fifteen and recently told me that she's bisexual and has a crush on a girl at school. I want to be supportive, but my gut is telling me this is just a phase. A lot of her friends came out this year, and I think she's trying to fit in. I'm not sure how to even talk to her about this. What should I do?
A: Before we begin, I think it’s important to point out the significance of your daughter coming out to you. For her to be willing to share something so important with you, something that causes great stress and fear of rejection for a lot of teens, there has to be a strong level of trust and safety in your relationship. That’s an amazing place to start, and it’s something you’ll want to safeguard going forward. How you react to this news can impact whether your daughter continues to be so open with you in the future.
For some, sexuality is fluid. This means that our understanding of our sexuality, and who we’re attracted to, can shift and change over time. Some people may initially come out as bisexual and later realize that they’re gay. Other people may identify as straight until adulthood, when something shifts in their life and they realize they’re actually part of the LGBTQ community. For others, they come out early in life and stay solid in that identity. Your daughter may identify as bisexual for the rest of her life, or she may later find that a different term under the LGBTQ umbrella ultimately fits better. There’s no way to know how the future will unfold. As such, it’s important to understand that just because our identities may fluctuate and change over time, that doesn’t make our past a “phase.”
Just for a moment, though, let’s pretend this is a phase. Let’s imagine that in six months, your daughter comes to you and says, “I tried dating a girl and it wasn’t for me. I actually think I’m straight.” There are two ways you could spend the next six months until that point. You could support your daughter’s stated identity and strengthen your bond and trust, proving through your words and actions that you’ll love her, no matter who she dates. Then, when she comes out as straight, you can continue to support and love her unconditionally. Or, you could spend the next six months trying to convince your daughter that she’s wrong about who she is. Even if you’re ultimately correct, you’ve unintentionally shown that your love and support is dependent on your daughter acting or being a certain way. She may be less inclined to tell you other feelings she has in the future, because she may be afraid that if she’s ever wrong about herself, she’ll get an “I told you so” instead of compassion and understanding.
Ultimately, only you can decide how you proceed, but I’ll always support the path that makes LGBTQ+ youth (even if they’re questioning and may ultimately decide they’re straight) feel as loved and accepted as possible.