The Kids Will Understand
Q: My brother’s child recently came out as transgender. She now asks that we use she/her pronouns and that I refer to her as my niece. I’m okay with all this, but I’m not sure how to explain it to my kids, who are in elementary school. They’ve known Sally (name changed for privacy) as a boy their whole lives. How do I help my young kids understand this change?
A: Children are learning how the world works every single day. If adults present new information in a relaxed way, with calm explanations to their curiosity, these kinds of conversations go more smoothly than many parents fear. I hear stories all the time that go something like this:
Child: Wait, how can Uncle Timmy have a husband? Boys can’t marry boys.
Parent: Actually, they can. You can marry anyone you love, no matter their gender.
Child: Oh. Cool. What’s for dinner?
It may sound like an amusing anecdote, but it truly does happen. Explaining that someone is transgender can feel trickier, since many adults are still learning what it means for a loved one to be trans themselves. As a parent, you may not feel knowledgeable enough to have those conversations, but it can be simpler than you might expect. You don’t need to know the answer to every question to help your child understand a relative who has changed their name, pronouns, or appearance. The conversation might look something like this:
“We all thought your cousin was a boy, but she let us know that she’s actually a girl. We’re going to call her Sally from now on.”
For some kids, that might be all you need. Other children may be curious about how Sally knows she’s a girl. You can talk about how we all have a sense of who we are inside, and for most people, that feeling matches what everyone already thought. For some people, like their cousin Sally, the inner feeling doesn’t match the gender everyone guessed that they were, and they might change their name and pronouns to better fit with how they feel inside.
To help set the stage for this conversation, there are some wonderful picture books about being transgender that can help. At the Center, we have two favorites. The first is Red: A Crayon’s Story by Michael Hall. It tells the story of a crayon with a red wrapper, but inside, the crayon itself is blue. It’s a beautiful metaphor for what it can mean to be trans. Another great option is When Aiden Became a Brother by Kyle Lukoff, which tells the story of Aiden, a young trans boy who is about to become a big brother. As he helps his parents prepare for his new sibling, readers learn about Aiden’s life as a trans kid.
Good luck! If you need additional support, please visit me at The Center.