Expression, Perception, and Policing
Mike Doughty, October ‘24 Newsletter
Many people can bring a specific image to mind when they think “what does a gay person look like” or “what does a trans person look like” or any other thought along those lines of thinking. The mind is very good at holding onto and creating patterns and that is where a lot of stereotypes start. Someone notices a pattern, either real or assumed, and maybe mentions it to a friend and then it goes from there. Sometimes this pattern recognition is how folks in certain communities can easily find and see each other out in the world, but other times it can lead to assuming that someone doesn’t fit in or check enough “boxes” to be part of the group. This month I want to talk about the ways expression and perception can play into each other and how people interact with each other and how that can lead to policing people.
First let’s talk about what expression is. For many people their expression is tied to their gender in some way – having short or long hair, wearing loose fitting or tight fighting clothing, wearing makeup or dying hair. Depending on the background of a person, where they are currently living, their safety and privilege, and may other factors, some of which might be based in a stereotype of “I need to look this way to be seen as this group”. One person might have a lot more freedom and flexibility with how they express themselves on a day to day basis. For people with more privilege they often don’t have to think as much about how others will perceive them, but for folks that have less privilege or maybe want to look more “other” they have more to consider before going out into the world.
Will it be safe for them to wear a certain outfit?
Will there be pushback from family or work?
Is there a conscious statement being made by the person?
These are just some of the questions that many LGBTQ+ people think about, especially if they are not in a LGBTQ-focused space or community. Other people or communities may have similar questions as they are preparing to go about their day, but at its core the way someone expresses themselves comes down to just how they show themselves out in the world. Expression also includes mannerisms, pronouns, and can shift for an individual depending on if they are at work, or at their place of worship, or with extended family, or with their close friends.
Next up is perception, or how you as a viewer see someone else. This is often where those patterns and stereotypes come into play that I mentioned earlier. When we see someone, regardless of if we know anything about them, we start to see what boxes they best fit as a way to group them with what we might know. Everyone does this, and it takes conscious work to not only be aware of it but to push back and not do it since there are a lot of ways our society groups people – young vs old, straight vs gay, cis vs trans, white vs not white, rich vs poor – and that’s a lot to be aware of at all times. The problem comes when one of two things happen.
You see someone that you assume belongs to a specific group because of your perception of their expression. For better or worse this can shape how you interact with this person. You might be more defensive or even aggressive because you see them as “other”. Since you are also making an assumption there is a chance that you are also forcing someone into a group they do not belong to, and may start accusing them of being something they have no idea about which adds fear and confusion on their side of what is probably an already scary conflict.
You see someone that you know belongs to a specific group but think they do not fit the correct “way to be” in that group. This can become a problem because it gate keeps community from people which can also lead to folks developing unhealthy relationships with themselves overtime. For example if you tell a gay man that he can’t be gay because he isn’t effeminate and slim, that can affect that gay man and might trigger body image issues of not being “enough” and they may start diving into unhealthy diets or weight loss to better fit an unreal goal.
Now I have given some examples on how with both expression and perception folks may fall into policing behavior. At best policing someone comes from a misplaced feeling of wanting to keep people safe, but at its worst it can lead to violence and discrimination. It’s important to remember that just because you live your life a certain way does not mean that anyone else needs to make the same choices as you. If you become aware of the ways you may be thinking in those boxes or stereotypes, lean into that and continue to make active choices in how you perceive others, and from there see how you can extend your allyship to them if they need it. Seeing people expressing themselves the way they want and voicing accurate thoughts and feelings instead of just continuing to spread stereotypes can also help change the way we as a society default when we perceive each other.
While the change I mention will take time to happen, it is important to note that the way someone uses their expression can also be a signal to others around them that they are part of the same group. Having those signs of potential familiarity can help ease the transition when a person is new to an area or community. Making that choice to signal to others that you are gay or trans or even an ally can be the first step in building a community and safety for those that are still trying to find their people. Just remember that even when signaling to others there is the risk of being misperceived, so just make sure you have the resilience and build support with others you meet.