Online Dating
Mike Doughty, September ‘24 Newsletter
Online dating is not a new thing in our society, and with the number of apps and websites designed to get you a date or a spouse or even a friend for an evening, most people are familiar with how they work. They can be a great way to meet new people if you are looking for friends or potential dates, but there are also a lot of risks and emotional traps involved with online dating. Online dating for LGBTQ+ folks can be even more complicated depending on where someone is currently located, where they are from, navigating what a relationship can look like if you don’t want to get married or have kids, or any other social milestone relationships are supposed to have. I wanted to use this month's newsletter as a way to address some of those potential risks, especially as a lot of people are usually in some kind of transition during the late summer/early fall with college starting up, coming back from summer vacations, and the looming holiday season.
What to Share
The first thing I want to talk about is what you put on your profile if you are making a new account, regardless of what website or app you are using. Some people are very comfortable putting a lot of themselves out there, while others might not feel comfortable showing their face or having a picture of them up. If you do put pictures on your profile, just make sure you feel safe and comfortable doing so and don’t catfish people. The same goes for what information you put on your profile. Don’t lie about your height or age, if you do meet these people they will figure it out. Think about what you want out of this experience and make it clear - you want to go on dates, you want to hookup, you want to chat with people and start as friends. While not everyone reads every profile, knowing what you are looking for can help find people who want to engage with you.
When it comes to personal identity information, like your sexuality or gender, disability status, etc. use your best judgment and what feels comfortable and safe for you. If you are not out, putting on an app that you are gay could potentially out you if someone that knows you sees that. If you don’t put it on your profile in some capacity directly, think of how you manage revealing that information - do you do it when someone messages you/you message someone and start a conversation, on a first date, after a certain amount of time. Also, if you are in a relationship, and you are open or polyamorous, make sure to let people know so that they can decide if that is something they want to get involved in.
If you are someone who maybe has some other kind of internet following where people might have a parasocial relationship with you because of your content or your perceived life and history, consider putting in your profile about how you would like folks to interact with you - do they tell you upfront they know about you, do you not want to know until the third date, etc. You have every right to keep your privacy and uphold your boundaries, but there might be extra work in finding people that see you for you and not from what you put out into the world.
Using the App or Move Off the App?
A common thing that happens with people on dating apps is they will match or start a conversation with someone and then it just stays there. For some people that is exactly what they want and are looking for and that's great! But if you are looking for a date, it might be a good idea to stick to a certain amount of time talking on the app and then either offer a plan to meet for a date, see if they are comfortable talking via text message or some other text app, or set up a video call to hear each other’s voice. A lot of people hold out that the person they are talking to will meet them but they never make any plans, and sometimes you do have to make the first move and set up a plan to meet, or lay out a clear boundary that if after so many days there has not been some kind of motion towards meeting, you will move on.
If you do make plans for a date or to meetup, also discuss some kind of backup plan. If someone is running late do you know how to reach them besides just the app? If someone doesn’t show up do you cut ties, or do you see if they have a reason and try again? These apps can be a great way to connect, but there is still work to be done on an individual level to make sure your time and their time is respected and it's important to remember that it's okay if you don’t click with everyone. Be respectful, make it clear you are not interested, and move on.
Also be aware if you are spending money for an app or website. Most of what you get are more profiles to look at or being able to do a few extra things with conversations. If you have the extra income to burn, go nuts, but for a lot of people it's just a way for these apps to get money, and long term you probably won’t notice the extra benefits, if any.
How to be Safe
Dating can be a lot of fun, but there can be risks involved especially when you are meeting strangers from the internet and you are a person from a (or multiple) minority group. Dating in the LGBTQ+ community can look very different from cishet dating, and it’s important to be safe. Bi-erasure happens a lot in all communities so it can be hard for bi people to find people that take them seriously and don’t belittle their sexuality. Ableism, misogyny, and racism also exist in the community regardless of your gender or sexuality, so navigating those can be a challenge. If you are trans, you also have to navigate if being out as a trans person upfront or after you meet someone is a safe thing to do, or if you could be in danger mid-date.
If you have concerns about safety, make sure to let a friend know when you are going on a date, share your location, and/or make some kind of emergency code so they know to bail you out of there. If someone seems too good to be true or that they might be catfishing, see if you can find them online on some other account. Do they have followers on their social media that seem real? Is their last post from 10 years ago? You can also reverse image search to see if they are potentially stealing someone else's image. Also don’t give out more information that you need when you are talking with people. While getting “stuck” in endless conversation on an app might have its own issues, most apps have protections where it’s very hard to screenshot within an app, but people can take screenshots of a text message thread. If someone is looking to scam you or potentially use your information they don’t need a lot, so if you are getting weird vibes or if someone suddenly asks you for any kind of personal information don’t reply just close the chat, block them if you feel you need to, and move on.
Speaking of using the block button, don’t be afraid to use it! If you feel uncomfortable, or unsafe, or just because you want to block people that you do not want to interact with. If someone keeps making profiles, see if the app or site has some kind of policy about harassment that you can contact them about, but keep blocking them. You should be able to find whatever you are looking for without feeling threatened or harassed. Also be aware of what rights you have should things go south. Many states, including New York, have some kind of protection for revenge porn - sharing intimate photos without the consent of that person - more of which can be found out here.
No matter what you are looking for on an app, just remember to be safe, do your best to be upfront on what you are looking for from them, and use the apps as a tool, but not the only way to meet someone.