Families and the Holidays
Mike Doughty, November ‘22 Newsletter
For many people, the holiday season is a great time to see family, travel, and share gifts. The same is true for many in the LGBTQ+ community, but for some, it can be very stressful. Some people aren’t out to all of their family members, or their family may not be consistent with a change of name or pronouns. I want to take this month’s Ally Tips to give some helpful ideas on ways to hopefully make the holidays less stressful.
If you are a family member of an LGBTQ+ person, they may be only out to you, their friends, and people in their local school or community. If you’re traveling for the holidays, even if it’s only 30 minutes away, take some time to just check in with them. If you feel comfortable having the conversation, you can ask if they are ready to come out to the extended family. If they are, give your support and consider having a backup plan if things don’t go well – plan to leave early, or stay at a place away from the family, something to make sure your family member knows they can lean on you if they are coming out. If they have changed their pronouns or use a different name than their birth name, ask if they are okay with you correcting others on their behalf, and if not, be prepared to comfort them when you return home from the potential misgendering and deadnaming they might receive if they decide to protect their identity. For some families, there will be the normal bumps – an occasional well-meaning slip-up as they adjust, but many LGBTQ+ people deal with the fear that certain family members, or the entire family, might not accept them. By being there for your loved one, you can help lighten their emotional burden and show them that people will love and support them.
Now for the LGBTQ+ people reading this who might be visiting family, I will say as someone who has a very conservative family myself, the number one thing to keep in mind is to “pick your battles”. I know with which family members I can have a conversation about LGBTQ issues or the community, and which ones will just turn a conversation into a stressful shouting match that just drains me more than it will them. Take some time and know when it’s better to engage and possibly educate (if you feel able!), and when it’s better to respect your time and energy by stepping away. This can be going to another room, stepping outside, going for a drive, or even just leaving, if necessary. Family members do not have a right to disrespect you and there is nothing inappropriate about disengaging. This does not mean you need to out yourself; you can simply say you don’t agree with what they are saying, that they are being disrespectful, or that you’re uncomfortable. The holidays can be draining whether you’re out about your identity or not, so it might be a good idea to stock up on your favorite snacks or comfort foods to have when you return home or prepare a favorite movie to unwind at the end of the day. Be aware and proactive about the ways your emotional or mental health may be affected and don’t be afraid to take steps to take care of yourself.
For those of you who are no longer in contact with your families for whatever reason, reach out to friends or a found family to still have that sense of holiday and bonding. Even if you don’t celebrate, spending the holidays around people you enjoy being around can be a fun event to look forward to during the winter when things are cold and dark. Check in with friends who maybe can’t travel or who don’t have family they can visit, and invite them to your dinner or party. Make the holidays what you want them to be, create new memories, and start new traditions with people who make you feel happy and safe.