Navigating Relationships With Friends and Family
Mike Doughty, November ‘23 Newsletter
As we enter November, that means holidays and family and food and colder weather. As I talked about in last year's newsletter, family time around the holidays can be stressful, especially if you are in the LGBTQ+ community and maybe aren’t out to everyone, or if your family doesn’t respect your identity. This year, I want to expand on that and remind our readers how the language we use can be affirming, or make LGBTQ+ folks feel belittled. Although this newsletter will be about placing and maintaining clear boundaries with people, some of whom may be difficult to talk to, always remember to stay safe.
If you are a person who is out to your family and you’re bringing your partner home for the holidays for the first time, it can be very helpful to have a conversation both with your partner and your family so that everyone is on the same page. Try to give your partner a roadmap to your family: who is someone that is very affirming, who tries but messes up pronouns, and who just doesn’t care about being affirming in any way. Giving your partner this heads-up can be especially helpful if they are transgender so that they can prepare themselves. With your family, especially for those that are trying or are affirming, see if you can go over the following with them:
Pronouns – if you have time, do some practice over the phone or have them work with each other to get pronouns correct
Partner vs Boyfriend/Girlfriend – If you and your partner don’t like gendered terms, let your family know to use the term partner (or another term if you use it!) and to work on stepping away from calling your partner your boyfriend or girlfriend.
What is off limits – Some people do not like to talk about their experience coming out or transitioning, so make it clear to your family if that is a boundary for you or your partner. Remember that you deserve the same respect and privacy that cis-het people don’t have to specifically ask for.
If you find yourself on the other end of this scenario, where you are a family member or are the host of the holiday event, it can be very easy to be supportive of the LGBTQ folks in your family. First is to do your best to be respectful of names and pronouns like an ally should. Another thing to do is to respect the relationship that is in front of you. A lot of LGBTQ relationships are seen as temporary or not as legitimate as cis-hetero relationships. Do your best to ignore what society says a relationship should be, and focus on the people in front of you and talk to them about what they want - if you find yourself asking about the relationship at all. If appropriate, let them know that they are good for each other, that one brings positive qualities out of the other, or that you are happy to have them joining you and the family for the holidays. Your family member is still your family member regardless of who they are dating, but showing them that you fully see them could be the difference between them coming home for the holidays or just making a phone call because they don’t feel comfortable.
Next, I want to go over some phrases or language you should stay away from, and this goes all year long, not just around the holidays. These phrases belittle a relationship. No matter what kind of relationship, a gay couple, a polyamorous relationship, a trans and cis couple, be careful not to undermine the relationship that is there. Stay away from using “friend” terms like buddies, or pals, when talking about people who are in a relationship as it minimizes their commitment to each other. When you use these terms, it makes you sound ignorant to not see the relationship directly in front of you and out of all the possible words, you picked a platonic one. If you are honestly unsure if someone is in a relationship you can always ask, but if you can’t, just use their names or don’t bring up the relationship at all to avoid that awkward moment. Another thing to remember is that bisexual people exist, and that regardless of who they date they are still bi. If one year they brought home a girlfriend and the next they brought home a boyfriend, that does not suddenly mean they are gay or straight. It just means they are in a different relationship.
I hope this helps to remind people to take a moment and think before commenting on someone else’s relationship, or someone’s partner. Remember you have the right to lay down and maintain any boundaries you want and if people, including your family, do not respect those boundaries, they do not get to maintain the same level of access to you. That could mean moving out when you are able, or switching to phone calls instead of visits, or just stopping contact all together depending on your comfort level and what kind of boundary has been crossed. Happy holidays, stay safe, and let yourself be respected.