Relationships and Dating
Mike Doughty, February ‘23 Newsletter
So with Valentine’s Day coming up, I know many people will be looking to do something nice if they have a significant other (or others!). I want to take this time to just remind everyone, regardless of how you identify.
1) Your relationship is your own, and another person’s relationship is theirs.
2) Relationships should come from a place of “I want…” not “I need…”
So what do I mean by those? Well, let me break them down a bit more.
1) Your relationship is your own, and another person’s relationship is theirs.
No matter how long you have been in a relationship, or how many relationships you have been in, each relationship has had some kind of rule set. This could have been discussed heavily when you got together, added to and modified over time, or maybe just silently understood. As long as those rules are serving you and your partner(s) and are beneficial to everyone, that’s wonderful. Still, you should keep in mind that other people may not follow the same rules. If you are out in public and see someone showing too much PDA for your taste, or maybe they are on a date with both of their partners, you don’t get to comment on it. Let them have their moment and have their own relationship just like you have yours. The same goes if you see a couple on a date, and maybe you just want so badly to give them a positive comment about how happy you are to see them out, or how proud you are that they are out in public. Don’t make that comment. Just give them a smile, compliment something about them – I like your nails, I love your outfit – and then continue on with your time.
2) Relationships should come from a place of “I want…” not “I need…”
This one kind of calls back to my check-in list last month, about making sure your relationships are healthy and that they are serving you in beneficial ways. It’s wonderful to have a relationship and to love your partner, but there is also nothing wrong with being single. Take the time to work on yourself so that when you do get into a relationship, it is coming from a place of “I want you in my life, and I want you as my partner” instead of “I need you in my life”. The difference being that when you put someone in the “need” category, you are putting them on a pedestal that can be stressful at best or potentially destructive at worst. Seeing a partner as a need also warps the internal relationship balance. It can put a lot of pressure on the partner to always be there for you. It can take away the agency of both you and your partners, or it can start to hinder your other relationships with friends and family. That being said, if you do feel a dependency on your partner, there are ways to grow. Practice being okay with being alone. Get comfortable with yourself and your thoughts. Work on doing small things separate from your partner so that you both get some feeling of individuality. If needed, look into discussing codependency with a therapist.
One last thing to keep in mind is that all relationships take active work to last, but people do grow and change. Sometimes that change can be wonderful for a relationship, other times it might mean you need to talk things over, or perhaps come to an end so that all parties involved can continue to grow. There are no failed relationships as every single one allows for growth and learning, and you can take those lessons with you into the next relationship. Let yourself grow with your relationships, but hold yourself AND your partner accountable when needed. Let yourself have fun in your relationships, and have a safe and happy Valentine’s Day if you celebrate. For those that don’t celebrate it, have some fun with friends or enjoy your “you” time!