What to Expect After Coming Out
This segment will go over various ways to be a better Ally to the LGBTQ+ people in your life. Keep in mind that being an Ally is NOT something you ARE but something you DO. It takes constant work and if you slip up it’s important to listen to what your LGBTQ+ friends and family are telling you in how to be better. This segment will also go over some ways to keep self-care in mind when dealing with specific issues. Now let’s talk about-
What to Expect After Coming Out
I have touched on coming out a few times before and this time I am going to talk about a few things that are common to expect after you come out or if someone comes out to you. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and an individual’s situations will have nuance. If you are someone who is coming out or has recently come out, hopefully this can be a way to see your own story reflected back to show you are not alone. For the allies reading this, remember to lead with curiosity and compassion, but don’t push for information you don’t need to know; people are allowed their privacy around their lives and identities.
One thing that often happens is a shift in anxiety or tension. Coming out can often be a huge relief, but for some people it can also cause a spike in anxiety because someone maybe didn’t react the way they were expected to. For those that got that relief, enjoy it and embrace it, but remember to stay grounded in reality. You will probably come out multiple times to different people or groups during your life and that anxiety might come back. Remember you’ve done the hard work before, and if you feel safe, you can do that again to keep being unapologetically you. The people who had the opposite spike happen, do what you can to stay safe and lean on your support network. The people you came out to might just need time to adjust, and hopefully they will. If you are in a position to do so, and you want a relationship with whoever it is, you can be clear that of what you want from that relationship, but that you might need to give space to feel safe and be fully yourself.
There might also be changes in appearance or aesthetic choices. For many LGBTQ+ folks after coming out, especially the first time, there is often a wave of everything rainbow. This is pretty common, and for many calms down as time goes on. Be supportive, enjoy their rainbow glow-up with them, just know that the person in your life has just done one of the hardest things to do and it’s a time for celebration and to uplift them. As they shift back out of the rainbow boom that does not mean that they are less gay or trans, but they are shifting how visual that part of their identity is via the rainbow. Keep flying your ally flags or pride flags, speak up for them when you need to do allyship, and listen to them when they need support. For those that are coming out and maybe realizing they are coming out of this phase, enjoy being that one more step into being an elder in the community. If you are able, keep some kind of signal to others who maybe haven’t come out yet and show that you know what they have gone through and continue to build community.
It is also very common that people will feel like someone who has come out is now a “new person” or “not the same”. That person is still the same person but there are two main things that could be happening. Your expectations of what that person should be are now not being met so you are having an identity crisis about them, or they had to put on such a complex mask while they were in the closet that their true self is now out in the open and they aren’t pretending to be someone they aren’t anymore. Check in with yourself, remember that this person is their own person who can live their own life and don’t take it personally if you thought you knew everything about them. Being in the closet, especially for a long time, can cause a person to develop an incredibly thick mask, so take the time to learn what that person actually enjoys and likes and continue to be their friend, or family, or coworker, etc.
Like I said, this is just a short list, but hopefully it will give some people reading this some insight on what they are feeling or going through. Coming out is never easy, even when everything goes extremely well, and can look different from person to person. Resist reactions and be there with the person coming out. Stay safe and push back against fear and embrace the person you want to be.