Is Gender a Choice?

Q: I have a transgender friend who complains about how it’s hard to be trans. I want to be a good friend, but I don’t understand why they choose to be transgender if it’s hard for them. 

A: Thank you for writing in! From your question, it sounds like there are two potential points of misunderstanding, and I’d like to separate them out a bit.

First, there is sometimes confusion over whether someone can “choose” to be transgender. (Short answer: it isn’t a choice. It’s who they are.) Everyone has a gender identity--even you, letter writer! Gender identity is your internal sense of being a man, a woman, both, neither, or somewhere in between. While gender identity can be fluid for some people, we cannot change our gender identity through sheer force of will. That means your friend isn’t choosing to be transgender. That’s just who they are.

The second potential misunderstanding is around why your friend is experiencing hardship as a transgender person. Although someone might say “it’s really hard being trans,” what they often mean is that our society produces anti-transgender bias and creates situations and experiences that can be harmful to a trans person’s mental or emotional health. In other words, being transgender isn’t the “problem,” it’s how they’re treated by our broader society as a result of their identity.

Let’s look at pronouns as an example. If we lived in a society where everyone had their pronouns in email signatures, on name tags, in bios, etc. and everyone agreed to respect those terms, pronouns would no longer be a source of stress for trans people. Unfortunately, it’s more common to hear individuals (incorrectly) claim that pronouns are required to match anatomy and refuse to switch from he/him to she/her or vice versa.

You might think pronouns aren’t a big deal, but anti-transgender discrimination goes well beyond that. I’ve heard from trans people who love who they are, who love living as their true selves, but are genuinely afraid that their life will be cut short by a stranger who is mad at them for being transgender. While it may seem illogical to worry about something like that, trans people face some of the highest rates of hate crimes and murder as a result of their identity.

I hope this answers your question! If you want to learn more, you can check out our website www.cortlandLGBTQcenter.org to schedule a training or a one-on-one conversation.