Misgendering

Mike Doughty, June ‘22 Newsletter

It’s very likely that you know someone who is going through a gender journey, and part of that can include changing pronouns. Slip-ups can happen, people make mistakes, but it’ll mean a lot more to the person if you keep the following things in mind.

1. Practice! Write or speak about the person and use their pronouns by yourself or with someone who you can trust to correct you.

2. If you do mess up, correct yourself, apologize, and don’t linger on it! If you do a string of apologies, you are making it about you and not the person you just misgendered and are then putting the pressure on them to forgive you.

3. If you see someone and you aren’t sure of their pronouns, practice using They/Them/Theirs as a placeholder. The LGBTQ+ people around you will notice.

4. Speak up when you are able and it is SAFE to do so! Some people need to come out with their gender journey in sections, so it may be good to talk to them about when it is okay to correct other people so that it does not lead to accidentally outing someone.

5. Speak up to your non-LGBTQ+ people if you notice them misgendering someone and you have already addressed #4. This can also include if they are talking about celebrities and public figures, even if they have done something negative - that doesn’t mean that it is okay to erase their identity.

When in doubt, feel free to use the internet to find other ways to get better, ask the LGBTQ+ people in your life (if they are willing to teach you, not everyone has the bandwidth to do so!), and sometimes it can just help to remember to slow down. A lot of mistakes are because your mouth moves faster than your brain, so take a breath and treat people with kindness.